Picking Your Butt (Bad Habit #13)

Butt picking is the act of scratching, rubbing, grabbing, or pulling at your derrière with a specific end in mind. It’s typically a desperate act of necessity to deal with either an intolerable itch or a clothing malfunction (your underwear has worked its way up your butt, for example).

The #1 cause of butt picking is to relieve itching caused by irritated skin around your anus. In doctors’ circles, the condition is called pruritus ani, from the Latin meaning itchy anus. In sufferers’ circles, an itchy butt is not to be ignored. People scratch these itches because they have to, not because they want to. And the affliction’s most vexing aspect is that the more you scratch, the worse it itches.

There are a number of potential reasons for pruritus ani, including prolonged exposure to moisture and poop by-products (sweat, poop, diarrhea, and mucus); enzyme-producing foods that irritate your skin when you poop (caffeine, dairy products, tomatoes, and nuts); and skin irritants (dyed/scented toilet paper, soaps, and laundry detergent). If you suffer from an itchy butt, keep these facts in mind as they might help you avoid that maddening itch.

Close behind pruritus ani in the hit parade of reasons to pick your butt is the wedgie. Simply put, it’s when your underwear or some other piece of clothing wedges between your butt cheeks. Underwear and ill-fitting pants, like gym shorts, can ride up your butt during physical activity or if they don’t fit correctly. This malady is quite bothersome and is a major contributor to skid marks, those elongated poop stains that seem to magically appear in your underwear.

Some wedgies are purposely induced by crazed practical jokers that believe their lot in life is to grab the waistband of your underwear and pull. These wedgies go by many names, including the Gold Standard (back pull), Melvin (front pull), Atomic (rear pull hoisting the waistband over the victim’s head), and Atomic Melvin (you can figure this one out). Just for the record, wedgies are not that funny if you’re on the receiving end. Our advice on this entire matter is to choose your friends wisely and keep a keen eye over your shoulder for potential perpetrators.

Butt Picking Dos and Don’ts
• Be discreet. Butt picking—no matter the reason—is a private matter.
• Go for outside-the-underwear butt picks first. There’s no reason to go inside your underwear if outside does the job.
• Wash your hands after performing inside-the-underwear butt picks. It’s mandatory.
• Keep your butt clean.
• Don’t suffer from itchy butt, see your doctor or try some of the fixes available at the drug store.

CONSIDER THIS: Atomic and Atomic Melvin wedgies are for trained professionals only. Do not attempt them at home.
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