How to Stop Peeing on the Bathroom Floor

Okay guys, your penis (we’ll call him Little Johnny for now) extends out from your body, and he’s flexible. You would think his physical attributes make urinating with pinpoint precision possible. But, who among us can legibly write his name in a snow bank or in the sand, let alone hit the pot every time we pee? Alas, no one.

Some people believe Little Johnny has a mind of his own; that no matter where you aim, Little Johnny goes wherever he wants. The cold hard fact is that if you stand while urinating, there’s a better than 50-50 chance you’ll pee on the toilet seat, the floor, or your feet. Here are the reasons why planning and preparation won’t improve the odds.

  • If Little Johnny’s owner is distracted while urinating, it’s anyone’s guess where the pee will end up. It is imperative to keep your concentration at all times.
  • If Little Johnny is the victim of practical jokers who slap his owner on the back (or butt) while urinating, the aim can go disastrously awry.
  • If Little Johnny has been lying twisted in your underwear the opening where urine exits can be temporarily deformed causing a very unpredictable aim.
  • If Little Johnny is lucky enough to hit the target, toilet water mixed with urine (and everything else that goes into the toilet) can splash everywhere.
You and Little Johnny can find yourselves with a pee problem on your hands for any of these or a myriad of other reasons. Obviously, accident-free peeing isn’t as easy as some people would have you believe. Here’s a cookbook approach to help improve the chances you’ll have a successful trip to the men’s room.

9-Step Pee Program

  1. Raise the lid and seat. Females using the toilet after you appreciate this gesture. 
  2. Stand as close as you can without touching the bowl. If someone before you has urinated on the floor don’t stand in the puddle. Particularly if you are barefoot or have a hole in your shoe. 
  3. Aim to minimize splashing. To confirm the sweet spot, check it while wearing shorts. This is especially important for urinals. You will know immediately if you have it correct. 
  4. Pee. Take your time. It’s not a race. 
  5. Squeeze and shake the final drops from Little Johnny. If you shake him more than three times, you’re playing with him. 
  6. Put Little Johnny away. 
  7. Use toilet paper to wipe up your handiwork. Move quickly lest the urine soak through the paper to your hand. 
  8. Lower the seat and lid and then flush. Flushing with the lid up sprays microscopic water particles and other particulates (very small particles) into the air and onto you. Use your imagination as to what might be mixed in toilet water. (When using a urinal, flush, stand back, and hope for the best.) 
  9. Wash up. No exceptions.
Consider This: The only sure-fire way to avoid peeing pitfalls is to sit while doing the deed. If you go down this path, don’t forget to check the seat first.

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